This was long long time ago. Even before I had grown strong enough to outrun our neighbor's puppy Yankee(name changed) whenever she chased me. Ages back in the past when my days and nights revolved around less obsessive activities than staring at computer screens for long stretches or trying to figure out what the blazes was wrong with Indian cinema, I had a life. Melodramatic as it might sound, the truth it is nonetheless. This was circa 1994, when the GuyNextDoor had yet to understand the curious complexities that I now know surround the female.
As I said, It was a nice warm sunny day (I'd like to think) in the year of 1994 (or One-994 as I would have said then) that I realized that playing 'House' with the girls couldn't go on for long. It was much later that I understood that they had me play daddy in House only because I was the sole dumb kid willing to - and back then it seemed as if I had nothing better to do!
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I think it was something that I picked up from television that first added the word 'girlfriend' to my vocabulary. Wait, I remember now...it was The Wonder Years. And in retrospect, I think I must have been all floored by Winnie Cooper. The 'girlfriend' as it turned out, was a novel concept. I figured out that the girlfriend was to be a special female friend to play with on the see-saw instead of Aditya, who had to be given the cold shoulder.
"Hey Amba(name changed)!! You're my new girlfriend. Would you do the see-saw with me?"
I really can't imagine what hit her there, but her face contorted as she ran away from the spot. That might have been the last piece of conversation that I had with her, I think. But the episode didn't really deter my confidence in any way even though I was pretty much left with Aditya as my lone see-saw companion. Thanks for being there for me always, Adi! ;-)
And so passed the days. I eventually landed with this certain Abha(name changed) when I was about 7, who made my evenings lot less boring even as guys my age were learning to handle the cricket bat, or riding their bicycles. While I was in the second grade, Abha was in the seventh. We never hung out at school; only where I lived. It wasn't long after I saw the joke that I found out she had this new bloke for her evenings, who could have been twice my size. Letting reason rule my heart, I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to be any match if I were to end up in a physical confrontation with this guy. Adi once commented on the new couple at school, "What losers!". I couldn't agree more.
By the time I was 10, girls had taken the back seat in my priority list. My new addiction focus was cricket. It would never snub me in my face even after having batted and bowled miserably on countless occasions. I would still get fielding practice even if the the band of 'bhaiyaas' wouldn't let me bat or bowl. But I'd make up for that when I'd ask sis to do me some bowling whenever there was no one around to play with. Oh yeah, I sure did get a kick out of it each time I whacked the ball delivered to me; slow, and waiting to be milked. Cheers to that, eh sis?
So yeah, when it was apparent that my odds at bird-hunting were better than that of bat making contact with ball, I thought maybe a change of hunting ground was in order.
Come Y2K, your GuyNextDoor had turned all the more lousy at the task of wooing elusive females. All his attempts faltered and he declared himself unfit for the game. He understood that chemicals such as PEA(Phenyl ethyl amines responsible for the little infatuations common to humans that age) were responsible for his miseries, which were being secreted in copious quantities. And lo! As if a spell had been immediately cast, his miseries came to an end.
"So be it", the Great Lord must have uttered from the heavens above, and your Guy Next Door had books and examinations calling for his attention.
Alas- or fortunately- That phase was short-lived. Yet, over the years I have tried subjecting the 'male-female hunting for a mate' paradigm to objective analysis and have unearthed one immutable truth. The fact that the male has to hunt for a suitable female match is an instinct that has been formed upon years of evolution. All I'm trying to convey is, don't give a damn to convention.
And finally, a lesson from Baloo the bear comes to mind-
"Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
Old Mother Nature's recipes
That brings the bare necessities of life"
The bare necessities of life will come to you.
;-)
SCREW YOU, perverts!
the Guy Next Door
